Sorry for that last post, I think I may be diluting the concept of my blog. Pretty much all the time.
Just want to share things with the world. So much to give.
So many childhood anecdotes that fail to make any point about my character or anyone else's.
So much guarded prose.
So many found images and so little to say about them.



Bitten Knudsen: a person the internet doesn't know much about. People try to talk to her on her FB fanpage but she's dead now. I was trying to find out what happened to her and there were these tribute videos on youtube that her friend made. Having some gathering to remember her, and the camera just awkwardly panning around the table. It was awful

been thinking about spending all my time trying to look like a VS model and having a boyfriend who would make me wear contact lenses whenever we were in public and say stuff like 'you're not going out in that are you?' and i have no idea what i would fill my days with but i expect it wouldn't be any lonelier than this.

look at me and tell me if you've known me before

there are three issues i would like to address, being: seizures, actors, and the transhumanist project.
to my mind these are closely linked, seizures being not inherently terrifying but a kind of physical metaphor for something worse. one of my co-workers had a seizure one morning, like 60 seconds after we got out of her car (she gave me a lift that day). and i was scared and everything, but it's just medical, just blood and convulsions which are pretty organic and non-threatening. i would be scared to have a seizure myself, but i've had a lot of memory loss from drinking which i guess is not that different, so maybe it would suit my repertoire.
then actors. you know that factoid that people throw around about the south american tribe who won't have their picture taken because they believe that it damages their souls or something? probably misquoted, but that's in the spirit of these things (these vaguely racist trivia about 'lost tribes'). a similar level of suspicion operates in my mind regarding actors, possibly in a similar vein (i don't like having my picture taken either, but that's because i have trouble recognising myself). maybe it is my congenital inability to lie, but if someone is an actor, how do you know if they are acting or not? a bad actor is ok, but what if they were really good, just acting at you all the time. and the recurrent sense that a person you meet has appeared to you before under a different name, in a different role, maybe several times.
which brings me to the transhumanists. i wrote about them for school a while ago, twice, and hopefully again soon. i can't generalise about the entire movement, but a significant number of them would consider it theoretically desirable to take someone who is dead, scan their brain with like an electron microscope or whatever, then reproduce the entire system on a computer. fucking terrible idea.
you see now right? i'm afraid that any rupture of consciousness, real or perceived, could be permanent. like a dead man on a hard drive.

this scene has a corpse at the end, just so you don't get scared.
half the people who commented on it were only interested in the sexy wet hair/nipples. my favourite part is the carpet. the idea of having carpet underwater and also water stains on wallpaper. the paper is peeling off. the idea of terrible water damage on expensive interiors. weakened plaster and mould blossoms. maybe a theatre with like sham pasteboard scenery, all sodden and damp upholstery.
maybe i was allowed to play in too many derelict places when i was little, see:
gore railway station (abandoned)- attracted 'vandals' (ruth harris, n.b. i have never heard anyone else use this word in this sense); when it was demolished the rats headed for our house, a real plague
pile of tires behind firestone - probably pretty safe i guess
small brick building with really deep drain - we had a blast dropping stuff down it, but i lost some tacky necklace near there and was heartbroken. forever.

suxday

1. your bf/gf is unlikely to be staying over
2. you probably had a really crap dinner
3. nothing happens on the internet on sunday
4. you feel obliged to bore yourself to sleep because you have work in the morning
5. i once got really shitfaced on a sunday
6. and took acid
7. then when i went to work the first thing i said was "oh no i'm still high on acid"
8. at least i'm not doing that tonight

thought processes while 'working' on film essay

god this theory is meaningless

i feel like they were using it to bestow legitimacy on previously overlooked directors

which is admirable but shouldn't you just not be an elitist c'nt in the first place?

pauline kael sounds like a bad bitch

ooh she was jewish

and a single mum

this lady is awesome

am i a sexist?

or at least oestro-centric

gyno-centric

3/4 pictures on my wall are women and the other is baby leo

maybe i just 'relate to it' more

god this pasta is horrible

lowered expectations/goals (having a washing machine)
friends are less noticeably depressed
excessive time spent on administrative tasks
more talented but less inclined to use it
a bold new isolation
visible loss of skin elasticity -
rigorous skincare
most correspondence abandoned
cheaping out on clothes
no haircuts
not noticing when people are speaking to you
buying big to save big
no circulars but the sign always falls off
less inclined to drunken magnanimity
fewer (0) reasons to go out

lost another damn follower

you know i really bend over backwards to give you whatever rubbish i think of and also to hide fake celebrity nudes in the archives (check if you don't believe me).
jesus what do i have to do? post pictures of daria?
how about this dubious reality television show, Meet the Natives? members of a cargo cult* in Vanuatu go to england to visit prince phillip. white people learn from their simple wisdom and youtube commenters marvel at their white teeth and "natural grace".
i found this like an hour ago and am still awash in wtf, but if i figure out how this exists i'll post about it. how about you follow my blog so you don't miss it.

*possibly not actually a cargo cult. if there is one thing i am committed to, it's the facts.

oak cottage

My parents bought a 150 year old house to save their marriage or something . Being 12 or 13 I was willing to buy into the dream of idyllic squalor . 'local history' . My sister got bronchitis because her bedroom was too cold . I guess she didn't believe enough. I enacted some fantasy of genteel poverty ; 'I capture the castle' was probably to blame . My dad left . The floors rotted . There were rats in the ceiling . I hung flowers from the light fixture and listened to Dvorak .

Sydenham

The Sydenham crimewave occured in 2004 and consisted of the murder of a woman on my paper route, the stabbing of a police officer (also female) in the park next door, and several cases of chemical burns from a substance that someone put on the women's public toilets. I was excited to be from a rough neighbourhood.

I became afraid when someone set fire to our back fence a couple of years later.

115a Lichfield St

Ex-brothel. I learnt to sleep with my phone on. Some cunt stole my Anna Sui foundation during a party. It got very bad towards the end.

that london look

Founded in 1834, Rimmel is the number one cosmetic brand for the congenitally pale. I imagine the light in britain is pretty similar to wellington,



so british makeup would seem the most suitable. Aside from the lightest shades of foundation available outside of the Sinister Boutique, Rimmel also specialises in fun, on-trend colours for lips, eyes and nails which you can use to deflect attention from how depressed you are.

the makeup of makeup rapists

Every time I buy something by Max Factor (so 2 times) I am forcibly reminded of heir to the MF fortune and convicted rapist Andrew Luster (whose mother made this website, intended to exonerate him with powerpoint-style flying text).
The MF product design is, suitably, pretty vulgar:



meanwhile, MAC continues to make the coolest shit in the world:

things i have bailed on

1. canterbury university (once)
2. christchurch (three times)
3. new year's eve 2009 (watched mean girls)
4. playing in this gig tonight
5. learning to touch type
6. CALH 2011
7. learning to skateboard

i left my swipecards at home this morning, so i had to call my boyfriend at 6.30 and get him to walk into town and give them to me. i felt like a dick and also i was running late and had a lecture straight after work, so i was flipping out. i ran back downtown and basically did all of my work really quick and ran between the different sites, so that i ended up finishing ahead of schedule and also completely elated from endorphines or something. which lasted all day. i should go for a run every morning, it might make me a more agreeable person.

hi i'm a university student i wear jeans a size too small with a really ugly wash and i go on twitter in my lectures and talk about how sexieee and famouse our film101 lecturer is and then i write dan savage quotes in the ladies' room and sometimes if i'm feeling daring i even write "VEGANS FUCK BETTER" and then i go back to the halls that my parents pay for me to live in and eat the food included in the costs and complain about it even though i have gained 10kg over the last semester so it can't be that bad, and i walk really slowly and congest all the hallways like cholesterol, and i give the stinkeye to everyone who isn't just liek meeeeeeeee

things i have cried about lately

1. demi lovato "skyscraper" video
2. diane von furstenburg on ANTM telling a girl to "continue being undefinable" but also extend her neck a little more
3. lesbian on ANTM talking about being called queer in school
4. not having any friends and being a loser

finding things fairly poignant or something. last night we watched the other facebook movie. i have the whole break ahead, the break between semesters. i guess i'll be exhuming defunct websites a lot. kind of uncomfortable with the ongoing emotional investment i have in these places. even thinking of purchasing an external hd to archive things.
the film was good.

NZSL week

this week (2-8 may) is new zealand sign language week. here are some things people normally say when they find out that i learn sign language.

1. how do you say _______?
people tend to be pretty curious about signing. maybe because everybody signs to some extent anyway. i think people like to guess what the sign might be for the word in question. it's often pretty intuitive.
2. deaf people look really animated/happy.
aside from signing with hands, facial expressions are used in nzsl to convey meaning. once you understand the meaning, or even that there is a meaning, it doesn't look weird anymore.
3. deaf people make weird noises/talk funny.
yep they can't hear themselves. if you lost your hearing, your ability to articulate our complex and nuanced language would deteriorate rapidly.
4. i saw sign language interpreters on tv after the earthquake, that will be you one day!
i couldn't do the job justice.
5. i once knew such-and-such deaf person, they were weird/unfriendly/unpleasant in such-and-such way.
i don't care.



i made an animated gif of people signing, it was supposed to be all feel-good and stuff, but it's not working so i don't have anything else to contribute just now. other than to say that i'm glad i enrolled in deaf studies.

Got dumped last week. At least I still have my hanging fruit bowl and occasional wall-poncho. Flowers are dead though